They Never Ask Why

AT RISE:

A DIRECTOR and a PLAYWRIGHT are chillin'.

DIRECTOR:
Playwright!

PLAYWRIGHT:
Yes, Director?

DIRECTOR:
I want you to adapt Hamlet into a Cold War era nuclear submarine thriller.

PLAYWRIGHT:
Why?

DIRECTOR:
I have a vision of transposing the claustrophobic formality of courtly life into a more physically claustrophobic space.

PLAYWRIGHT:
Why?

DIRECTOR:
To intensify the tension between Hamlet, now a young naval officer, and his new commander, Claudius, who just mutineed against Hamlet Sr., took control of the sub, and is now headed for Russian waters.

PLAYWRIGHT:
What about Gertrude?

DIRECTOR:
G.E.R.T.R.U.D.E. is now the sub's computerized control program. It's an acronymn, see? I don't know what it stands for, though. Gas...something,maybe.

PLAYWRIGHT:
And Ophelia?

DIRECTOR:
The ship's cook.

PLAYWRIGHT:
And how does she manage to drown on board a hermetically sealed nuclear submarine?

DIRECTOR:
She launches herself out of a torpedo tube.

The Playwright thinks for a moment.

PLAYWRIGHT:
I think you need to call your wife.

DIRECTOR:
I miss her so much.

BLACKOUT. END PLAY.