Element of Surprise

AT RISE:

BEN and ELLEN at a diner.

ELLEN:
So the guy asked me why I broke up with my last boyfriend, and I was all like "Well, I'm like a line segment, and he was a ray, you know? There was no point of intersection for congruent angles." Do you think I came on too strong?

BEN:
Wait, that was supposed to be flirting?

ELLEN:
Yeah.

BEN:
Was the guy a mathematician or something?

ELLEN:
No.

BEN:
Huh. Well then, I think you're in the clear.

ELLEN:
Really?

BEN:
Yeah, but I'm fairly sure he had no idea what you were talking about.

ELLEN:
Oh.
(beat)
I can't talk to boys.

BEN:
Thank you.

ELLEN:
You don't count.

BEN:
Wow, thanks. Now I feel even better.

ELLEN:
Shut up.

BEN:
Hmm, now that I think about it, you are proving your point admirably. Offense negated.

ELLEN:
Thank you.

BEN:
You're welcome.

ELLEN:
I just don't understand why you're supposed to be all flirty or whatever. Why can't talking to guys just be funny?

BEN:
So just having a laid-back, fun conversation, and then...BLAM, romance?

ELLEN:
Exactly.

BEN:
So that'd be what? Like a guy coming up to you and being like: "So two guys walk into a bar, right? And there's this duck sitting there. Also, I love you?"

ELLEN:
Kind of. I guess. But like, with more of a "what the hell?" factor maybe. Like, I want to be blindsided.

BEN:
Ah. Blindsided.

He thinks for a minute.

BEN:
Okay, how's this? A man in a dolphin suit parachutes in through the window of one of your classes, tells a dirty limerick, asks you the time, then jumps back out the window while throwing a frog at your teacher. And when you look back to your textbook, you see that he replaced it with a "Hang In There, Kitty!" motivational poster with the word "Coffee?" scrawled in egg yolk next to his phone number?

ELLEN:
Yeah.
(beat)
This might explain why my previous relationships were so screwed up.

BEN:
Nah. I think it was probably more of a lack of that kind of spontaneity than anything.

ELLEN:
Maybe.

She looks at her watch.

ELLEN:
Bleh, I've gotta go. Don't want to be late for class.

BEN:
Fair enough.

Ellen throws some money on the table.

ELLEN:
I'll give you a call later. We can figure out my new plan of attack.

BEN:
Right. Yeah. Sure thing.

ELLEN:
Bye.

BEN:
Later.

She exits. Ben pokes at his breakfast for a second, then picks up an egg from his plate. He regards it for a second, then takes a cellphone from his pocket and dials.

BEN:
Yes, hello? Who do I speak to about dolphin suit rentals?

BLACKOUT. END PLAY.