Personal Connection

AT RISE:

The AUTHOR. He's...hangliding, why not. Soaring through the upper stratus on a chute of para. No wait, that's parachuting. He's actually strapped into a harness attached to a metal frame covered in fabric to keep him from plummeting to certain doom. So yeah, hangliding.

AUTHOR:
You done?

Sure.

AUTHOR:
You sure have been chatty lately for what is supposed to be an impersonal device used for description. Cold, cold, emotionless description. Without an opinion or point of view. A tool, serving only the will of the author.

There's no rule that says stage directions can't have personality.

AUTHOR:
Look, forget it, we've already done this joke. But seriously, you didn't even descrive anything in that last sentence. You're just confusing people.

Anyway.

AUTHOR:
Yeah, anyway.
(beat)
Hello world!

A beat, as he takes in the unadulterated love of the world.

AUTHOR:
Ahh. Well, anyway I don't really have much to contribute to the field of electronic dramatic literature today, so i figured I'd just see how y'all were doing. Good?

Beat.

AUTHOR:
Oh, really. I'm sorry to hear that.
(beat)
A goiter, really? Man, that's...
(beat)
Okay, that's just disgusting.
(beat)
No, enough! Enough! I...Ijust can't believe you people! I'm out here every day, working my...No, no I won't let you do this to me, I won't...

He sits.

Still sitting.

You okay?

AUTHOR:
Don't you start up.

Sorry.

AUTHOR:
I was going to tell a story about a kitty. You guys like kitties, right? Or are they not covered in enough festering sores to slake your bloodlust! I mean seriously! Wow. I am never asking you guys how're you're doing again. Keeping this purely professional.

He moves to exit.

AUTHOR:
Alright, Blackout, end play. All that good stuff.

He's now at the end of the stage.

AUTHOR:
It was a really good story, too.
(beat)
Had german potato salad and everything.

He exits.

BLACKOUT. END PLAY.