My Tummy Hurts and So Do My Buns!! 2: Israel and Palestine

AT RISE:

PHYLLIS hides behind a crate in an abandoned warehouse. Flashlight beams shine through the dark, searching for their prey. DETECTIVES ISRAEL and PALESTINE enter, with DAVE in tow.

DAVE:
Phyllis? Phyllis, come out before things get any worse!

PHYLLIS:
How could things get any worse, Dave? I punched you in the stomach and kicked you in the buns! There’s no coming back from that!

ISRAEL:
Look ma’am, just come out with your hands up, and everything’s gonna be fine!

PALESTINE:
What in the hell are you talking about, Rookie? We’re dealing with a madwoman here! And since I’m only two days away from retirement, I have a limited capacity for bullshit!

ISRAEL:
I thought you were two days from retirement yesterday?

PALESTINE:
Shut up.

DAVE:
She’s not a madwoman… she just… she just has a temper, that’s all, I swear!

PALESTINE:
Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to back the hell up.

PHYLLIS:
This joke is getting old fast! I’m sorry Dave, but there’s no choice!

She rushes the cops, her foot held in kicking position! The cops shoot her a lot, because its just that kind of play, you know? Dave rushes to her prone body.

DAVE:
More violence! And what did it solve, huh? Tell me that! Now this lady I know is dead. Dead! And do I feel better? No. And you know why? Because MY TUMMY STILLS HURTS! And…and so do my buns!

He weeps and weeps.

DAVE:
(a whisper)
..and so do my buns.

The saddest viola solo of all plays. Everyone thinks hard about stuff. It’s a beautiful ending.

BLACKOUT. END PLAY.