(Note: This was originally performed as part of the Bard Household's Festivus 2k8 Celebration)
AT RISE:
Darkness, everywhere darkness. A single spotlight slowly fades into being, illuminating a wobbly-looking aluminum pole, barely a foot high, held up by a cheap wooden base. As the spot reaches full brightness, the audience is struck by a powerful wave of anti-climax.
A tremendous man, dressed as a bear, rushes onstage, as the lights explode over the audience, showering them with luminescence.
BEAR MAN:
FESTIVUS!
Explosions surround the Bear Man. He roars to the heavens as he basks in the destruction he has caused. It’s very exciting!
BEAR MAN:
The year is 1998. The place: the Bard Household. The occasion? The first annual celebration of the Seinfeldian holiday of Festivus, meant to bring balance to the crass commercialism of the more traditional solstice festivals. But that is not what brought that first rag-tag group together that fateful 23rd of December. No. They… were just huge nerds.
Thunder rolls across the sky.
BEAR MAN:
The guest list!
Lightning strikes!
BEAR MAN:
The Bards! David! Mike! Jono!
DAVE, MIKE and JONO appear.
BEAR MAN:
Each referred to by the simple moniker of “Bard”, it was these three that created the legend that built the legend that would later bring party subs! Also present: The Brothers Staufenberg! Mark and Craig!
MARK and CRAIG enter to a very NBA Finals-style fanfare and laser light show.
BEAR MAN:
Russell Weiss!
RUSS fails to appear.
BEAR MAN:
Played by a robot!
An AWESOME ROBOT appears! He’s really cool, guys. Seriously.
RUSS/ROBOT:
Beep beep.
BEAR MAN:
Also present… some other guys? Possibly with names like Mike, and Tom!
A wagon filled with teddy bears is wheeled onstage.
BEAR MAN:
All our favorite traditions began on that simple day. The airing of grievances!
A table appears before the aluminum pole. Everyone sits around it.
MIKE:
Dave.
DAVE:
Mike?
MIKE:
Don’t call me Mini-Bard.
DAVE:
But you’re mini!
MARK:
Craig?
CRAIG:
Mark?
MARK:
We share a bunk bed. This has to stop.
JONO:
Everyone?
EVERYONE:
Jono?
JONO:
I hate you.
RUSS/ROBOT:
Beep.
EVERYONE:
Russ?
RUSS/ROBOT:
Boop.
BEAR MAN:
Food was had!
The table disappears. Everyone produces and eats a single chip.
JONO:
I wish we had a party sub.
BEAR MAN:
And finally, the legendary first Feats of Strength!
The stage becomes an unfurnished basement. Mats are laid about.
BEAR MAN:
The battles were mighty and legendary!
Everyone just generally starts beating the crap out of each other.
BEAR MAN:
But none so legendary as the epic duel between Mike and Dave.
Mike and Dave slowly circle each other as experimental Phillip Glass music plays. The following dialogue is spoken as they do elaborate, slow motion fight choreography, Mike eventually gaining the upper hand.
MIKE:
Remember how I asked you to stop calling me Mini-Bard?
DAVE:
I seem to recall something along those lines being said at some point in the evening, yes.
MIKE:
Well, I’m not sure I made it clear, but I’ve been funneling all of my burgeoning adolescent rage into that single diminutive nickname, rendering me slowly, inexorably, to a murderous rage. A rage which I am now demonstrating. Like so.
He sits on Dave’s back, pinning him to the ground.
DAVE:
Due to my stature as the eldest, I shall refuse to give ground, even in the face of ignominious and embarrassing defeat. This uncomfortable situation shall continue for at least ten more minutes!
EVERYONE ELSE:
Huzzah!
They look uncomfortable.
BEAR MAN:
But finally, Mike, with manly tears welling in his bloodshot, rage-blinded eyes, fled the scene, a winner in fact, if not in spirit.
Mike runs away.
BEAR MAN:
And that seemed to be that. Until….
The stage shakes in time to the footsteps of some mad Titan as the cast cowers from an unseen foe. The sound of a door crashing open, and A. SCOTT BARD appears, more mountain than man. A Colossus in blue jeans. He wields a mighty carpet as a Norse god would a mythical hammer. He speaks in a voice that could demolish the moon with a hoarse whisper.
A. SCOTT:
David, did you make your brother cry?
DAVE
Y-yes?
A. Scott sighs the sigh of kings.
A. SCOTT:
Way to go. Now I am forced to SMITE THEE AS ONE WOULD A TROUBLESOME FLY!
The carpet is hurled with unerring accuracy through the heart of young Dave, impaling him cleanly and hurling him toward the ground, as the lamentations of his fellows quietly begin.
A SCOTT:
DO NOT WEEP FOR HIM. AS HE IS OF MY OWN BLOOD, I COULD NOT STAND TO REMOVE HIM FROM THIS WORLD! HOWEVER, HE SHALL ETERNALLY BEAR THE SCAR OF THIS DAY. A CARPET SHAPED SCAR, CLEAN THROUGH HIS FOUL HEART!
He laughs, and the world becomes a little colder.
A SCOTT:
Now could you bring that carpet to the garage like I asked you to three hours ago?
The footsteps of A. Scott once more wreak havoc upon the eardrums of the audience as he exits, closing the door behind him with a mighty slam!
BEAR MAN:
And yeah, that’s pretty much how it went down. It waxed and waned over the years, diluted with time from a once glorious and bloody festival of combat to a pretty laid back party with Jordan Almonds, and cheese platters. But remember well next time you dig into the traditional party sub… it was brought forth into this house by the same hands that did nearly end the life of yonder host! And if you should cross him, or eat more than your fill, you shall learn a lesson ten years in the making!
Maniacal laughter all around! Mwahaha!
BEAR MAN:
HAPPY FESTIVUS, EVERYONE!
The cast gathers on stage, and a wacky dance begins! Everyone has a great time! Yah!
RUSS/ROBOT:
Beep boop.
BLACKOUT. END PLAY.
14 years ago
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