Dramatic Tension

AT RISE:

A man with a SUITCASE.

man:
Er, excuse me, but I believe that "man" should have been in all caps there, not "suitcase". I hate to be a bother, but it really does seem as though the suitcase is the main character in the play if you give it that kind of emphasis. And not to judge or anything, but in this kind of play, by this author guy, anything described in caps tends to start speaking, and again, I'd rather not be standing on stage while the audience waits in rapt anticipation for a piece of luggage to give a soliloquy.

Wouldn't that be more interesting? From an audience perspective, of course.

man:
Maybe, but that's not what this play is about. Also, should that stage directions really be quite so.. familiar? It's bound to cause some confusion.

There's no rule against dialogue in the stage directions.

man:
I think there is actually.

Fine....there is a MAN with a SUITCASE.

MAN:
Hey!

...suitcase.

MAN:
Thank you.

A beat.

A slightly longer beat.

An even longer-Okay, what's the problem now?

MAN:
Well, I do have a name, you know.

Really.

MAN:
Of course.

And how is the audience supposed to know that if you're onstage alone?

MAN:
...I don't know.

So it doesn't really matter now, does it?

MAN:
Well yes, it does matter. It's my name. I'm somewhat attached to it.

Well, I suppose the suitcase could say it...

MAN:
No! No suitcases!

Fine. We'll figure it out as we go along.

STUART stands on stage with a SUIT... excuse me, suitcase.

STUART:
My name's not Stuart.

It is now.

STUAAT:
I really hate to be a bother, but-

Can we just get on with it? This play was supposed to be over with five minutes ago.

STUART:
Fine.
(mumbled)
But my name's not Stuart.

Acknowledged. Not STUART stand with a suitcase, all in lower-case letters.

STUART:
What a nice day for a trip.

He farts.

STUART:
No I didn't!

BLACKOUT. END PLAY.