Ripped From the Headlines

AT RISE:

A FELLA and a DAME enjoy a relaxing warm beverage. It could be any beverage really, it just doesn't matter. But man, you just know they'll be one guy in the audience who spends the entire performance wondering what's in the cups. The author now chooses to dedicate this play to him. Here's to you, Minutiae Guy! Keep the fire burning! As for the beverage? HE'LL NEVER KNOW. Unless there's a talkback.

FELLA:
So, naked Harry Potter on Broadway.

DAME:
I know! I am terribly excited.

FELLA:
You're not at all disconcerted that you'll soon be seeing the package of a kid we've been watching in family-friendly fantasy adventure films since he was ten years old?

DAME:
Are you kidding me? That simply adds to the mystique. And for the record, I would prefer if you did not referr to his genetalia as his package.

FELLA:
Fine.

DAME:
Call it his "wand".

FELLA:
No. I draw the line at overly obvious wordplay.

DAME:
Fine. Man, speaking of wands, wouldn't wizard porn be great?

FELLA:
Why? All the flying and unicorns and stuff?

DAME:
No, that would be weird. I just mean like, I bet they'd have books where like you'd open them up, and they'd have these magic pictures inside them that moved, and-

FELLA:
You mean like the internet.

DAME:
What, no-

FELLA:
Hey, you know you're right. Magical moving images would be a great venue for porn! I think you should make a movie about it. Oh, wait.

A harsh silence.

DAME:
Having re-evaluated our friendship in the previous five seconds, I have determined that it will only take one more ill-timed word for me to storm out of this room. Choose carefully.

The Fella thinks for a good long moment.

FELLA:
Package.

BLACKOUT. END PLAY.